I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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