I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
