just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
