somebody snuck up and got me drunk
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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