Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
