I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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