I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize