1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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