Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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