My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
