At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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