Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize