You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
