Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
