Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
