I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
