I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
