when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
