my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize