Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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