So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
