I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
