just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
