I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize