you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize