Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
