I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
