im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
