Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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