i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
