I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
