This is not my ceiling
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
