My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
sarcasm needs its own font
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
