took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
