I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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