There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
