Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I won't apologize to a one balled man
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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