Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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