I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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