I showed him my bush... on skype.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
