too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
