For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
