Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize