Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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