i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You are the jesus of drinking
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
