Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
