I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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