But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
