Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just threw up on my dentist
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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