she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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