I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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