I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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