if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Randomize