So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
