i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
