Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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