Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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