oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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