so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
